When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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