I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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