Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
