after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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