Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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