sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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