ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
