I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
