Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize