this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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