Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have fence marks all over my body
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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