I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
