Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
