You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
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My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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