I wish my penis had an off switch
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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