I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
