I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
