Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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