Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
