Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just want to make out with him forever
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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