you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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