Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
