My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
vagina is talking i cant
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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