Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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