i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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