Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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