Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
