her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
