WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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