I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
