I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
