Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
