Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
