yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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