he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
