guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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