I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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