Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
