what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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