I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i think im in europe. pls send help
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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