I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
