So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
