i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
