he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
