i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
