i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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