she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
