I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
