it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
