i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
