So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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