Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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