Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
