Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
