he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
