remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
