You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
