Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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