ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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